Call Me Ahab!
by Scott McCafferty
Summary: Picard gets up to more insane adventures at the expence of Will's already wafer thin nerves


Call Me Ahab!  
  
'How much longer will he be?' Will thought to himself.  
  
As if in answer to his silent question his comm. badge chirped. "Riker here. Go ahead."  
  
"It's Jean-Luc. I'm afraid that I'm stuck in this damned turbolift," the sound of buttons being frantically pushed could be heard. "Numbah One?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Could you call Geordi for me?"  
  
"You can do it yourself, you know," he paused and sighed, "I'll do it for you."  
  
"Ahh excellent! So unless something else happens, I'll be there before you know it."  
  
Riker knew that something else probably would happen to the plucky Captain  
  
"Good. See you then, and Captain, don't be too late. Riker out."  
  
Jean-Luc hadn't been late for the first time on their many 'day-trips'. It was something he hated doing, but Will had felt that the Captain deserved a day-out after he had been quite well behaved in the Romulan embassy; not like the last time in the Klingon embassy. There, he had run around in circles shouting: "Ooh! Look at all those shiny, sharp thingies," and whispering "Why are those strange men's heads so bumpy?" before adding, "Do they have a deformity?"  
  
That had been a long time ago - the two had been on hundreds of missions to random embassies throughout the quadrant. Thankfully, Picard only managed to wreak havoc in only two out of five negotiations nowadays. He was definitely improving. Remembering why he was in his quarters sulking, Riker gratingly thought back to the holodeck adventure of Jean-Luc's where all the trouble had begun.  
  
"Oh, come on, Will. You'll enjoy it."  
  
"Sir, put down the harpoon, you're getting over excited now, and you don't even know how to fire one of those things. Let's just put it down."  
  
"Well, you'll just have to teach me," interrupted Jean-Luc. "And we're not on duty just now - call me Ahab!"  
  
"Uhh, okay. That doesn't change anything, I'm still not convinced."  
  
"If you really want, we could give the harpoon part a miss. All we'd have to do is rescue a beautiful maiden from the tower, kill the evil white whale and escape back to the forest!"  
  
"What? That makes absolutely no sense what so ever!"  
  
"Yes it does! But if you're worried that you won't be able to do it."  
  
"Of course I would be able to," said Will before realising the trap he had just walked into.  
  
"Let's get on then."  
  
The two walked through the holodeck doors and into a clearing in a forest. A large, black sailing ship was floating gently in a small bay.  
  
"You want me to ride in that?" Will almost turned around to leave.  
  
"Not if you don't want too. I can change it to something more docile. Computer, replace program elements 34-7 with b-52." The ship was immediately replaced with a titanic B52 bomber. "Does this look as frightening?"  
  
Riker was exasperated, "Yes!"  
  
"Splendid!" Picard seemed immensely pleased with this.  
  
"Look, Captain."  
  
"Ahab," Corrected Picard.  
  
Riker sighed, "Right, of course, Ahab, I think we should just calm down, get out of the war plane, and."  
  
"Oh, it's no bother," said Jean-Luc, clearly enjoying himself.  
  
"Please, sir, how about we just go to have a nice drink? You could talk to that nice lady that listens to everyone's problems," said Will almost pleading.  
  
"Noo!" cried Picard "She's boring, lets stay here and get drunk!"  
  
He pulled a large bottle of clear fluid out of his trench coat, it had 'Cap'n's Illegal Moonshine' scrawled on the side of it. Riker groaned.  
  
"Sir I really don't think it's a good idea we should get liquored-up and attempt to fly a B52 bomber."  
  
"Well I'm the Captain and I say it is," said Picard as he downed half the bottle and started the engine. "Chocs away!"  
  
Riker sighed, it was going to be another one of those trips. No doubt the Captain had turned the safety protocols off for 'realism' again. Riker thought he had better inform the medi-bay and just ride this day out.  
  
"Okay, what do we have to do?"  
  
"Destroy that Devil Whale!" said Jean-Luc smiling.  
  
Riker wondered why this was a recurring delusional fantasy of the captain's. "And how do you do that?"  
  
"I'll show you," said Jean-Luc pulling on the throttle and sending the bomber in to a sharp bank over a crystal blue sea. "Do you see anything Numbah One?" Picard shouted over the roaring of the plane.  
  
"My life flashing before my eyes!"  
  
Riker's stomach was attempting to leave his body via his mouth. That is until Jean-Luc started bouncing up and down shouting  
  
"I SEE IT!" There was a small spout coming out the water just ahead of them.  
  
Without a moments hesitation Jean-Luc sent the bomber in to a nosedive towards the water's surface, and the giant whale, which had just popped up and was clearly puzzled over why a large roaring bird was bearing down on it. Picard began to laugh insanely and sharply pulled up at the last moment while dropping his three-ton payload of bombs onto the hapless whale. Picard, laughing like a maniac, pulled up quickly clearing the surface with ease. Will's heart stopped.  
  
"Jean-Luc."  
  
"Call me Ahab!"  
  
"Ahab! Can we please leave now?" Jean-Luc nodded.  
  
"Your not afraid are you?"  
  
"No, I was just thinking..."  
  
"Ah, so that explains it. You see I never think, it dulls the instincts!" And with that he sent the bomber into a barrel roll, which caused the plane to quickly lose altitude. Will began to scream.  
  
Will awoke with Picard looking over him: "Numbah one?" he asked.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"Ah well I seemed to have misjudged the angle of our fall. And then came the island. And the pointy rocks," Picard smiled inanely.  
  
At that moment Dr Crusher walked over.  
  
"You're very lucky to be alive commander, both of you actually." She turned to Picard.  
  
"Now I think you have had enough excitement for one day Jean-Luc"  
  
"Indeed!" exclaimed Picard.  
  
"I think its time you went to bed."  
  
"Hee hee, kinky!" he giggled, Crusher sighed.  
  
"Captain!" Picard's eyes fell to the floor.  
  
"Sorry..."  
  
"Now, lets get you off to bed with a nice cup of coco." She took him by the arm and led him out of the sick bay.  
  
All Will could hear after they left was Picard as began to sing: "I am the captain of this ship, and I'm calling.." As those words sounded through out the ship (via the comm. system), Will closed his eyes and gladly lapped into unconsciousness...  
  
The End 


End file.
